RAW PAIN

I am writing this because this seems to be the only way I can ease my pain. I am not thinking about whatever it is I am writing so you have to accept me the way I portray myself and my feelings because it is raw. People listen to your story and the way you feel for some time and get bored but only you know the way you feel and when you discover that they are no longer interested in knowing how you feel; you tend to withdraw from telling them things. I have a lot to express but the speed in which I am typing makes me feel I won’t be able to write much. I am human for crying out loud and I am not a pain repellent. I am not resistant to any form of pain. I feel hurt at regular intervals and that is why I will dispute the saying that pain makes you stronger. It hasn’t made me stronger in any way. I grow weaker by the day and I keep smiling and laughing like nothing is wrong. People talk to me often and even tend to get closer so that they can ease their unhappiness and be full of joy, I sing, I play, I talk just to make them feel happy like I am one mother Christmas or one happy fellow but alas!! I am just like them; I am so damn unhappy that I can qualify them to be better than I am.

Do you know what it feels to gradually lose the people you tend to build your world around, of course you do, everyone has had one heartbreak or the other, everybody was once betrayed but why do I feel I have a greater share in the inheritance of heartbreak? Some people say I talk too much that is why people take me for granted and tend to take advantage of my tender heart. Well, maybe they are right, but I have tried to be a less talkative but it is not working. I am too pained that I no longer shed tears like a baby. I just keep staring at anything or better still nothing. This is just an introduction of how I feel. I will give you every details of what has gone out of place in my life. Although I know I can be repaired. I know I can be happy beyond what people see, beyond the surface level again. Hmmn!! I will survive. I have decided to take the pain and stop resisting it, I want to actually know if pain kills people. Even if I get weaker by the day, it is better than shedding tears and making people think I am a coward that doesn’t have a heart of my own.

I think I trusted too much, I depended on a lot of people for my happiness and this has taught me a lesson that was well inculcated and adequately imbibed that anybody can be a Judas and that nobody is responsible for your happiness. You might not make sense out of all I have been saying but as long as I am being relieved writing this, then nothing counts. I used to love somebody that broke my trust for sheer enjoyment. I trusted him like no other but the result was just as I have been told. It took me time to recover from the lost and betrayal. At the same time, I lost someone who I thought would always be with me through thick and thin and it became too much to bear but I survived but was soon betrayed when I met a wolf like a sheep. That is the best way to describe someone that leaves her best friend for you, leaves you for another friend, comes back to you and finally leaves you for someone you both know is not to be trusted. Well, life is like that.

Meeting someone else has changed my life in many good ways but why do I still think his habit of always wanting me to survive on my own and be strong is not good for me and is putting me in more danger? All I ask is for someone to care about me, although I have a lot of people who care about me but why does my heart still yearn for a care that even me knows nothing about. I have my parents, siblings, sweetheart, church friends, school friends in my life and even my thick and thin friend back in my life but I still feel incomplete. I will be myself, I will never do bad and maybe one day, one special day when I move away from all this drama, my pain will be eased and I will be happy again without any restriction. Thank you because you read through.

©OLAGBENDE REBECCA OLUWABUKUNMI